Magdaīs
Diary: "The Flying Doctors", episode 170
Fri 2/2
David is
away for the week. Gone fishing somewhere. It caused some staffproblems,
because he had already promised Geoff to take charge of the base while he
(Geoff) had to be in Sydney for a week. Funny idea by the way: he is the least
qualified doctor around here, and still he gets to be in charge! No offence to
him, of course! He is a very fine doctor: gifted, talented, loved by his
patients and esteemed by his colleagues. Gentle, friendly and polite by nature,
but firm and persistent when necessary for the benefit of his patients. A
practically perfect doctor! And no matter how highly qualified dr. Reid is, he
could learn a lot just by studying his "minor" colleague!
But to
get back to the story: actually it was I who had suggested heīd take some time
off. I just hadnīt expected heīd go and see Geoff the next morning to get that
vacation right now and immediately... It makes me feel a little bad. I mean: I
know heīs been under quite a strain lately. Just think about the way heīs been
coming over to my place to let off some steam after yet another argument with
Guy. Thatīs not like him at all, but it seems he needs it lately. But itīs not
like the usual chivalrous David, who always tried to protect and shield me from
problems. Instead it seems he needs me now to help him cope with his own
problems, because he canīt deal with them all by himself anymore. They seem to
be growing over his head. Probably even more than I realized; why else would he
have requested that time off so immediately? I feel so sorry for him. Iīm
worried, too. I really hope heīll manage to get back on his mental feet again
this week.
But okay.
That left Geoff with a problem. I suppose he told Geoff, too, about what is
bothering him, for otherwise I donīt think Geoff would have granted him that
time off right now. So later today, Geoff called me into his office, and told
me that David 
needed some time off for private reasons (ha,
as if I didnīt know that... funny how people donīt notice things that are going
on right under their noses), and if I could take charge of the base during the
week, starting tomorrow. I was flattered that he asked me to do it, but then,
Iīve had more experience around here than Guy. Not much, but... Geoff did point
out to me that it would be a busy week, since weīd be down to two doctors. But
David and I managed pretty well last November, too, didnīt we? And Kate had
told me last week that when she started working here, there was only one
doctor, later on there were two, and then three, and only very recently they
have expanded to four doctors. So we should be able to hold the fort with two
for a week, I think. Geoff said that the district had increased in size quite a
bit, too, but I think we ought to manage for a week. Itīs only eight days. And
David really needs that break, so...
Bad thing
is that Iīm stuck with Guy here. Itīs going to be a week full of arguments, I
suppose... Tiring... If you only have one colleague around, itīs a bit hard to
ignore him. At least Iīve been able to cope with him - up till now. I loath of
his attitude, too, like most people around here, I believe. That īknow-bestī
and those silly, stupid jokes and that macho īoh, Iīm so irresistableī-look.
But I believe Iīm better equiped to deal with him than David is at the moment.
David in charge of Guy... that would end up in war, with - in the state he is
in now - definite defeat on the Ratcliffe side. Iīd have to be mediator all day
long, and still have a full-time job comforting and calming down David. No, I
think itīs for the best the way things have worked out now. Though I am not all
that sure that Guy will accept me as his senior either... Oh well. Weīll
manage. Survive. As long as I keep in mind why I have to put up with him
on my own, Iīll be able to handle it.
Poor
David. I hope heīll come back with that twinkle in his eyes, and with that
constant frown wiped away. I comfort you in my thoughts, my dear little flying
fisherman... Good night and sleep tight.
Sat 3/2
My first
day in charge of the base! Well, nothing much happened, but still... Itīs Guyīs
weekend off, and with David suddenly away, too, the task fell upon me to be on
duty both today and tomorrow. But everything was so quiet, that I could have
got bored if there wasnīt this mountain of paperwork to attend to. So the day
has been spent in a very useful manner. Though I must say there are more
enjoyable ways to fill oneīs shift...
Sun 4/2
Quiet day
again today. No emergencies, no problems at the hospital. If things are to run
as smoothly as this all week, I think I could even send Guy on a holiday, too,
and run the place by myself!
But it
feels strange that I wonīt see David for a whole week. Itīs sort of not right
that heīs not around somewhere. I miss him already. So in want of some company,
I went to the pub tonight. It felt awkward, going in there alone. Usually Iīd
have David with me; sometimes someone else from the base. Strange how quickly
one gets used to these things. In Germany I had grown totally accustomed to
enter just about anywhere alone without the least awkwardness. Itīs like Iīve
lost some of my independence here, and Iīm not quite sure whether I like that
development.
Luckily,
Johnno was there. And so was Clare, and Guy and Jackie. But Johnno was the
first one to take notice of me (for it sure does feel a bit awkward to just
blend in myself in other peopleīs conversations; another thing I seem to have
unlearned), and he invited me for a game of billiards. But both my knowledge
and my skills of the game are so poor, that he and Jim ended up teaching me the
game instead. We had some good laughs; a pretty good time. But Iīll need a lot
more practice to master the game properly...
Mon 5/2
There,
Iīve managed to make up a very desirable bargain with Guy tonight. He wanted to
swap shifts, so that he could have the day off tomorrow instead of Friday and
take out one of the girls we picked up at the clinic to the lakes. At first I refused.
I had made plans for tomorrow, too: there is this big summerfair over in
Windoona this week. I had hoped to pass a merry evening there with David (Iīve
discovered that such things are definitely more fun when you have company), but
now that heīs away, I thought I might as well go and check it out by myself. It
would be a nice change in the daily routines, and itīs not like I lack the
experience to amuse myself on my own.
But okay,
to get back to the story: Guy instantly took out his wallet and inquired how
much I wanted to be persuaded/bribed to give him what he wants. (I wonder if he
has ever been denied anything at all...) Imagine that: poor little Guy, whoīs
always broke and always borrowing money from everyone, wanted to bribe me -
with my fat bankaccount back in Germany - with money! I just couldnīt help
laughing, and told him that there are things in life you canīt buy with money.
Love, for example. Nor the heart of that English girl he wanted to take out -
that is, if she has any sense. It brought him instantly on his usual path of
flirtation around ladies, and as I teasingly played along for a moment I got
this brilliant idea... So I said: "So you want the day off tomorrow? Then
you must promise me something."
"Anything,"
was his confident reply.
But when
I told him in a whisper what I wanted in return - something I want just as
badly as he wanted his day off - he shook his head in disgust and grunted:
"Never!"
Oh well,
then I would not take over his shift tomorrow, I said. I was pretty sure heīd
take the bait, and fortunately he did. So heīs got the day off tomorrow to take
out this girl. And I will have an entire week without arguments, which will
help a great deal in surviving this week with Guy. Perfect! Thatīs worth an
extra long workweek!
For as a
matter of fact, I was already getting tired of him. The first day this week we
were actually working together, and already we managed to fight a few times...
We were
over at the Lundellīs today. Usually itīs a two dayīs clinic, but this time it was
crammed into one day with two doctors, for we canīt really afford to have one
of us out of reach for two days. Jackie got called away halfway the day to
attend to an infant that had been bitten by a snake, and everyone had a good
laugh when Guy was tilting his chair and lost his balance. ☺
It were
Johnno and Jackie who picked up those two stranded English girls. Johnno and
Guy were busy slobbring all over them, when we all got a good scare. All of a
sudden a young man on a motorbike appeared. He didnīt even try to brake; with a
roar he just crashed into the outhouse! Jackie and I were at his side in a
moment. (Guy didnīt even bother... or perhaps he was too shocked?) When we had
brought him inside, it turned out he had - as far as we could tell without x-rays
- but a few bruises from the crash, but also a terrible appendicitis. Two weeks
old at least, and the spot was so tender that it was probably very close to
rupturing. I didnīt want to take the risk to fly him back to the Crossing
first; then he wouldnīt get the operation for another three hours, and it was
quite likely that we didnīt have that long. Now Guy was really shocked:
"You canīt operate out here! Nothing is sterile!" It felt funny, and
actually quite good, that this time I was the one who had already gotten used
to such primitive measures, and my colleague was all astonishment and
disbelief. An exchange of the roles for a change!
I cut
short the argument by preparing for an operation under local anaesthetic. Guy
assisted, sort of "under protest", but indeed: it was one of the
worst appendicitises Iīve ever seen. If we had waited half an hour, it would
have been too late.
Well,
heīs safe in hospital now, and from what I hear from Kate, very quickly on his
way to full recovery...
Tue 6/2
Guy drives
me MAD, MAD, MAD!!! We got
a young lady in today that might have yellow fever. MIGHT!! Chances
arenīt that big, since she had been vaccinated for it, which leaves her with a
mere 5% chance to catch it. Unless the vaccin had accidentally been heated.
Something which any doctor in any hospital knows is the worst thing to do with
vaccinations, so chances for that arenīt really astonishing big either. She got
the shot in England after all, not in the African jungle. But when I pointed
this out to him, along with a just as serious and - theoretically - more likely
option of a sickness of the immune-system, he took on his arrogant suit and
haughtily tried to put me in my place. How can he be so sure? Both options are
possible, but if we treat her for the yellow fever, sheīll die from the
reaction the treatment will cause in case she has some immune-system disease.
And if instead we treat her for that, the treatment will kill her if she
suffers from yellow fever instead. So itīs of vital importance to know what
weīre dealing with here. But no, Mr. Guy knows everything best, and he will
determine that itīs yellow fever without even having the girl tested properly!
Horrible man. Heīs so pleased with himself that heīs deliberately risking a
patientīs life! And to make things worse: the other girl overheard us arguing
about it and is now scared to death no matter what we say!
I was so
worked up and fed up with him, that now it was I who needed to let off some
steam. Which I did with Clare, but she didnīt exactly seem very pleased with
having to serve as my exhaust-valve. Well, okay, I know what itīs like, with
David doing the same with me lately, but still... When she had had enough of
it, she simply advised me to either leave the patient to dr. Reid (who in fact
is responsible for the girl) and let it be (and see him kill her?!), or take my
stand as his senior doctor and override his decision.
Well, the
first one was definitely no option with me. I will not stand aside when a
colleague of mine is killing his patient just to prove to me that heīs right.
If only he could understand that this has nothing to do with proving him right
or wrong! It is commonly known that the symptoms the girl is showing can be
caused by both these diseases, and that treatment for the wrong disease will
kill the patient! All I want is to make sure that we treat her for the right
disease, in that way eliminating the risk of her unnecessary demise, and so
saving her life! Guy can be right; Iīm not denying that he can be. But
itīs also possible that he is not, and then his stubbornness will lead to a
fatal result. If only he would admit that! Practicing medicine is not a fight
over who is right or wrong. It is a fight for your patientīs life. No more, no
less. And if that craves a risky liverbiopsy, then so be it. It has to be done
to determine the disease, for if we donīt know for sure what weīre dealing
with, the risks for losing the patientīs life are far greater.
I feel
like David, when he had to fight that old dr. Miller in Burragunya a couple of
months ago. To save a patientīs life, too, because dr. Miller refused to test
his patient properly. It feels the same. To me itīs like Guy is using īhit or
miss treatmentī (as David called it) as well. How can he do that?! How can he
put the patientīs life at such a risk? Doesnīt he have any sense of
responsibility at all?! I mean: why did he take her out to the lakes in the
first place, when he himself had examined her and done some tests on her. So he
knew she wasnīt fit! Sometimes itīs like Iīm doing my job with a pigheaded
5-year-old with an attitude of being a top-doctor.
At times
like these you realize that we really need a third doctor here. An impartial
second (third) opinion. Iīm 100% sure that both David and Geoff would back me
up and request that liverbiopsy to be done before deciding on the treatment.
But David is down with some lake or stream with his fishing-rod, and Geoff
couldnīt be contacted today. So in the end I had but one option left: override
dr. Reidīs judgement and perform that liverbiopsy myself. But just when I had
gotten the girlīs permission, and went away to fetch the necessary equipment,
Guy spotted me. I was determined to get on with it, and at least he surprised
me in a positive way by saying that if I insisted on doing this, he could at
least assist me as best he could. For his repeated remark on the dangers of
this biopsy I almost got mad again, though. I mean: what use is there in
upsetting the patient when it is of vital importance that she will hold still?!
I already had told her that there was some danger involved, but that it was
necessary to save her life. His remarks on my possible mishits I managed to
ignore. Upsetting myself when Iīm on the brink of doing a liverbiopsy is the
last thing I need. And not until later I got angry about his distrust in my
abilities. Sexist problems again, no doubt.
Well, the
biopsy is being tested in the laboratory in Broken Hill right now, and tomorrow
morning weīll probably have the result. And then at least we will be able to
treat the girl in a responsible manner. Knowing what weīre doing. Thatīs the
very least she may expect from a qualified doctor, Iīd say...
Tue 6/2, later that evening
Besides
all the fuss about that liverbiopsy, Guy said something else to me today that
really upset me. And even though I am convinced it is nothing but complete
nonsense, right now I am wondering whether - from his point of view - he might
have had reason to believe this true.
Iīve been
thinking and thinking here, but I canīt seem to make it out. So I decided to
write it down. That usually helps to sort out my mind. Itīs getting late, but
with these thoughts tormenting me, I could not sleep anyway, so Iīve locked
myself in the office.
Tonight,
when we were arguing about that liverbiopsy again, Guy insisted that I was
the one creating the problems here, instead of him. That there was nothing
wrong with his diagnosis, and that I only kept going on about this liverbiopsy
with the sole purpose of attracting his attention. Because I would be jealous;
I would feel that I didnīt get enough of his attention now that he was going on
with the other English girl.
That
thought struck me like a blow. It had never even entered my mind. And at first
I was quite dumbfounded. Where did he get that idea from?
I didnīt
see any point in pursuing the matter at the time though. I mean: a discussion
like that can only end in an endless doch-nicht, and that would get us nowhere
anyway. His thoughts against mine; who is able to determine what is the truth?
And after all: I didnīt see why private matters had to be dragged into a
professional disagreement about a patient.
No, now I
am being unfair. As far as I recall, it was I who started accusing him of
drooling over Trish (the other English girl) at the expense of his attention
devoted to the ill Katherine. Something that already irritated me when we met
them yesterday at the Lundellīs, and that culminated today with his
irresponsible behaviour in taking her (and Trish) out to the lakes when he himself
had examined her and determined that she wasnīt fit. I think the way he was
drooling over her now - even though I may have called him out of that quicker
than was strictly necessary - was just too much. And since Iīve known him with
that kind of behaviour ever since I first met him, to me it didnīt seem an
unjustified reproach. It still doesnīt. I had never before said it to himself,
but his īirresistableī attitude, assuming that every woman age fifteen and up
in a range of 2000 miles will just go weak at the knees at the mere thought of
dr. Reid has disgusted me from the very beginning. He could be a very
good doctor; he certainly does have the gift. If only heīd let go of that
eternal arguing, and that macho īoh, Iīm so irresistableī attitude. But I donīt
see what cure could help here...
Anyway,
to get back to the problem: from what I have heard from my colleagues and from
the people in town, I think there would be few to disagree with me on his
general behaviour. When it comes down to his behaviour towards Trish and Kath -
especially todayīs behaviour - that is of course mainly my interpretation
against his, but seen in the light of his general behaviour, I still believe
that my remark was not unjustified. Whether it was a wise remark is another question...
It might seem that Iīm looking for excuses, but even my patience has its
limits. And when I see (my interpretation!) my ladykiller-colleague let his
patient run a huge risk in order to either prove his point to me or to have
time to drool over a pretty girl, I can lose my patience, too. After all, I am
no saint.
To
summarize it: I really believe that I had reason to reproach him on this score.
I admit that I canīt look inside his head and that this might all be a
misunderstanding: that his motives are different from what I assume them to be.
But now Iīm left with the question what on earth has given him the idea that I
would be jealous of all the attention heīs paying to Trish! He didnīt actually
say it, but it is but a little step to assume that he believes that Iīm in love
with him! Why else would I be jealous of his attentions to Trish?!
The mere
thought of me being in love with Guy seems prepostrous to me. Ridiculous. But
he sounded serious. Not like it was just a made-up counterattack to win the argument.
This
leaves me with a double task. I think I owe him that much if he really believes
what he said. (A lot of trying to fathom other peopleīs thoughts tonight...
with the eternal danger of interpreting them totally wrong...) First Iīll have
to try and put aside my opinion about his presumption, and honestly try to
determine whether there could be a hint of truth in what he said: that I indeed
was jealous, and perhaps even (a little) in love with him. And then Iīll have
to try and figure out when and where I could have given him reason to believe
that. The second task doesnīt seem too hard; all it requires is going through
our īrelationship`. But the first... Iīll try it as best I can. Perhaps putting
my opinion about the person Guy Reid into words might help. And then try and
concentrate on the good sides... Okay, here we go...
No doubt
that Guy is a gifted doctor. Like they told us at university: you canīt learn
to be a good doctor; it is a gift. And Guy definitely has that gift. Further he
could be described as pretty handsome: his goldcoloured hair and steelblue
eyes. Well built, obviously a regular visitor of the gym. He is obstinate (in
itself not a bad quality), and doesnīt beat around the bush when youīre
discussing with him. And he did show that there is a friendly, maybe even nice
guy underneath that skin when Clare had lost everything in the fire.
Believe
it or not: this is all I have managed to think of in nearly half an hour. Now
does the enumeration of these qualities indicate a hint of my love for him?
I am
really doing my best to be honest with myself, but I really donīt see it. I
donīt find any trace of even friendship towards him. Let alone love. On the
contrary: my negative emotions concerning him are so abundant that Iīm close to
disdaining him. Now can that be explained by love?! I donīt think so. For he
may have eyes of a beautiful colour, the look in them makes my alarm bells go
off warningly: watch it, this guy is not to be trusted! And he may be blessed
with the doctoring gift, but his arrogant attitude seems to spoil that image
completely. He acts like a playboy, with apparently no other goal in life than
sweeping as many pretty girls off their feet as he possibly can. There may be a
nice guy underneath, but I havenīt seen that one coming out in the open very
often the past month. He may be a good doctor, but I wouldnīt trust my
valuables with him. He may be a good doctor, but his eternal arguments are
disrupting the working atmosphere. And he may be a good doctor, but he is so pleased
with himself that he doesnīt even seem to notice what effect his riotous
behaviour has on his colleagues. David in particular, who doesnīt seem to be
able to function properly under such strained circumstances in the very team,
the very place that used to be the īhomeī of our work. A place where we could
trust each other, where we could ask for help, where everyone had a single mind
about our duty: to help people with all our might, and to be loyal to each
other. That is how it used to be. And now all of that seems to have gone.
Disappeared. And as far as I can tell, thatīs mainly Guyīs doing. Nowadays,
both the base and the hospital seem to be the most stressed places in town. We
have to go on our toes all the time, always on the guard for criticism and
arguments. And to be completely honest: I would rather see Guy leaving today
than tomorrow, even though it would mean Iīd have to be on a 24h shift for the
rest of the week. Iīd really wish heīd do us that favour, for it is really
upsetting to see how the place has changed since he joined the staff. Yes, I
feel I could dance with sheer joy at the thought of him disappearing and the
return of the old, pleasant working atmosphere! And Iīm pretty sure that would
get David back on his mental feet, too, and a lot quicker than a seven weekīs
vacation with his fishing rod ever would. So I think I may safely conclude that
I do not love dr. Guy Reid. (Who may in practice not be such a good doctor
after all: failing to notice the consequences of his behaviour on his
colleagues...)
Well,
Iīve read it over again, and I really believe Iīve been honest with myself. So
at least on that point I can look Guy straight in the eye. (Not that I think it
worthwhile or even necessary to present him with the outcome of my reverie, but
itīs good for me to have straightened this out in my mind. That means I can
leave it behind me now. Writing it down really helps!)
Okay,
then the second part! (It is half past twelve a.m., but with this on my mind, I
probably couldnīt sleep anyway, so Iīll just continue writing to sort it out.)
I have come to the conclusion that I do not love Guy. So where has he got the
idea from that I do? Weīll just go through our īrelationshipī (too grand a word
for it, but I canīt think of a better one) and see if Iīve given him reason to
believe it.
I
remember that my first reaction upon meeting him was vexation. The look in his
eyes and the very tone in which he asked Clare to be introduced to me seemed to
show nothing but a sexual interest in an attractive woman. Not that I have
anything against men finding me attractive, but not in this way. Not when
meeting me as his new colleague. Not that obvious and exaggerated. The alarm
bells rang lustily! My mood changed rapidly to happiness when I found out that
he had been skiing in Bavaria several times. And thatīs the only reason I asked
him to join me for dinner that evening: to be able to share some memories of
snow and skiing and my former hometown after four months in the heat and the
dust of the Outback. If that gave him the impression that he instantly swept me
off my feet, he is in great need of a crashcourse in immigrant psychology! And
besides: weīve never had dinner or lunch together after that first time, not
even of a slump. So...
Or... if
he did find me so attractive at first sight... could it be that he is in love
with me instead, and trying to make me jealous in order that I will come to
him? No... this is going too far... Letīs not make this even more complicated,
please...!
Well,
whatīs next? Iīve worked together with him a couple of times: at the base, the
hospital, clinics... But my openmindedness īin favour or againstī the newcomer
pretty soon subsided for vexation and irritation on behalf of his behaviour, as
I recall. Maybe too soon, that I didnīt give him a fair chance? Ever since,
Iīve been trying to avoid him (or if that was not possible: to ignore him) as
much as I could. It wasnīt until this week that we were really thrown into each
otherīs way.
Just
wondering: what if he considers my avoiding him as a game of īhard to getī?
Some people are that complicated... Well, it is a possibility, but I donīt see
how that could be solved. The more I will deny it, the more heīll believe I
want him! Pretty hopeless case...
And this
week... well, as far as I can account for my own motives, I dare to state that
Iīve only been arguing with him out of concern for the patients. That I didnīt
want this Toshi guy to die on the way to the hospital due to a busted appendix.
That I donīt want this girl to die because she is treated for the wrong
illness. From my point of view thatīs all it was. Bad enough that it was
necessary, but apart from my general irritation about his chasing the ladies
culminating in an impatient outburst, Iīm sure there was no hidden agenda there,
either.
And then
there was his wish to swap shifts yesterday, so he and Johnno could go out with
the two English girls. Could it be that...? I remember having said something
like: īYou canīt buy love, nor English girlsī, when he wanted to pay me to swap
shifts. Could it be that... it couldnīt... Could it? That he assumed that I
meant he could not buy my love?
I can
scarcely believe it. Do we have to be so extremely careful with our words when
he is around? Or am I missing some nuance in the language again? That I said
more than I intended to?
Well, I
donīt seem to find a satisfactory answer here. The only somewhat plausible
explanation I can come up with, is that he interprets my efforts to avoid and
ignore him as forthcoming from my love for him. Not much I can do about that
without making it even worse, except hoping that he, too, is going through his
mind at this very moment, discovering for himself that my avoiding him might
have other motives than he presumed. Or perhaps I should try and play along, so
that he himself can discover that he doesnīt want me. Or just seduce him and
then dump him. Now that would probably be a novelty to him!
No... I
think Iīd better let be. That might work in books and movies, but I donīt have
much faith in such schemes in real life. Anyway, I donīt think Iīd be very
convincing pretending to love or even like him when my feelings are so much the
opposite... When this week is over, Iīd much rather go back to avoiding and
ignoring him.
Itīs
getting really late. I should go home and to bed, I reckon. Itīs been taking up
quite some time, all this going through my conscience. A pity I spent so much
time thinking about a person like Guy, but at least I can safely say now that
whatever he presumes about my feelings for him, I have never deliberately given
him reason for that. So I donīt have to blame myself.
I really
should go to bed, but Iīd rather end the evening (eh... halfway into the night)
with happier thoughts. Perhaps I could write down my opinion about David? Sort
of a comparison. Now that should make crystal-clear whom the object of my love
is! ☺
When I
think about my feelings for David, words simply come flooding to me... I was
intrigued by David from the very first moment I saw him. His lively, sparkling
eyes, his kindness and his chivalry towards me nearly instantly swept me off my
feet. With David I can be the person I am. Heīs my mate. We are equal. We can
chat and laugh and discuss and cry and tease and get angry with each other, but
he accepts me the way I am. And I accept him the way he is. (At least the way
he is showing to me, but I think thatīs pretty much how he is.) I feel at ease
with him. At home. I donīt have to be on my guard. I donīt have to prove
anything. I can just be myself, and still weīre having a good time together. He
knows me better than anyone has known me for years. We havenīt exactly been on
the fast track with a smashing love affair, but I prefer his company above
anyone elseīs, and the way heīs been going on since we met, I think his feelings
are somewhat similar, if not equal.
I love
him. And now that Iīm contemplating about it: I havenīt been so happy since I
was little child without a care in the world. I love him. I really love David.
And my dearest wish right now is for us to build a future together. I want to
be with him. Every day of my life. Nearly thirty-four years of my life I have
wasted without him. I donīt want to waste another day! I have so much love to
give. I want to give it all to him. To David. All of it. To love and to be loved.
I would not hesitate for a split second if heīd ask me to marry him. An
exciting, wonderful fantasy! And then perhaps go somewhere together. Somewhere
quiet. To make love under the stars, his soft tender hands stroking my body...
Need I say more?
David, I
love you. I long for you. Coopers Crossing is like a ghosttown without you.
Just as lonely. I havenīt felt this lonely since that first night when I
quietly left the pub. It disappeared as soon as you showed up by my side, and
never since have I felt lonely again here. As long as I can have you beside me.
With me. Then I donīt think I have anything left to wish for in my life. As
long as I can have you. I love you. I have no other wish than to make you
happy; to be with you. I miss you.
I donīt
believe Iīve ever before gone this far in my dreams and fantasies. Definitely
not in the written ones. But Iīve read this īconfessionī through once again (it
just came streaming out of my pen), and every word of it is the truth. Straight
from my heart. I am in love with David. In love with David Ratcliffe. And no
other man can ever break that up.
Funny to
experience how easy this panegyric comes out, and how happy it makes me to
write words like these. Some difference with my struggle to find something
positive to say about Guy, hey? If that doesnīt say enough... My heart is
filled with love for David, and as far as Iīm concerned, Guy may go to ****!
I really
should go to bed, but I enjoy writing about David too much... I feel like I
could go on writing on that subject till morning comes, but I doubt whether
that would be wise. Still, a little more wonīt hurt. Itīs late already, so... ☺ Because
right now I would love to take the car and go and look for him. And when I
would find him, sitting there on the shore, concentrating on his float, Iīd
sneak up to him from behind and all of a sudden throw my arms around him. And
all that accompanied by those four magical words I have never before dared to
say to him:
David, I love you!
And then
heīd look me in the eye, his face slowly brightening with the dawning
apprehension that I really do return his feelings, and then heīd pull me in his
arms and kiss me passionately till the sun would come over the horizon... Weīd
watch the sunrise, he would get the fire going and roast some of the fish heīd
caught. And weīd have a divine breakfast together, no matter how much I shudder
for fish for breakfast! And if, in the middle of that delight, heīd remind me
that I had to get back to the hospital to get to work, Iīd simply say that duty
can go fishing (or something a bit stronger perhaps), for that I would never
leave his side again!
Oh
David... if I had but a vague notion about where you have gone, I think I would
do it. I feel up to it now. On top of the world! I love you!
But
knowing that you can be anywhere within a range of 300, 400 kilometers or even
more, it doesnīt seem to make much sense to go looking for you. Not at night.
Maybe Iīll give it a go on my day off Friday, hoping my lucky star will simply
lead me to you. So long (or if I donīt find you: till Sunday) Iīll just keep on
dreaming whenever I get the chance. (After all, I canīt let my patients suffer
from my love for you, can I?) And try and work out the way Iīm going to tell
you the great news to perfection.
I LOVE
YOU!
I love
you, David. I miss you, and I long for you with all my heart. And if you feel
the same way about me, Iīm never going to let you go again!
I believe
my writing is turning into romantic drooling... Itīs getting late. 2.53 a.m.
Mind you, when I get home Iīll just continue swooning over you, and hopefully
have some delightful dreams about us. You and me. Together.
Good
night, my little flying fisherman! I love you!
Wed 7/2
Liebe
Zeit, this was hilarious! Iīm still laughing when I think about it! Iīll try
and write down what was said and what happened as precisely as possible, so
when I reread this diary in ten, twenty years time, Iīll still remember every
detail!
It
started this morning. Kath wasnīt getting any better yet, and Guyīs eternal
tendency to prove that heīs right appeared to be contagious, for I got carried
away, too, and wanted to start treating the girl with steroids. He caught me
before I got in, and we were arguing about it (whatīs new...) when Clare came
rushing in with the biopsyreport that had just come in from Broken Hill. And
the report said that Guyīs diagnosis was right.
At that
moment it felt like Guy had won and I had been defeated. With a triumphant
smile he went off to tell Kath, and I went over to the base to be on my own for
a little while to get over the disappointment of having to acknowledge that my
judgement had been inferior to Guyīs.
Fortunately
I managed to get over those thoughts pretty quickly. After all: winning or losing
is not what this was about. The only thing that matters is that we now know
what disease the girl has, so we can treat her properly. And even though Guy
was right in his diagnosis, I was still right in requesting that biopsy to be
done to confirm that diagnosis, and to make sure that it wasnīt some sort of
auto-immunedisease we were dealing with. So in a way we won both, if we now
have to follow his line of thinking: I was right in requesting the biopsy to
avoid hit or miss treatment, and he was right with his yellow fever.
A couple
of very quiet hours passed. We saw each other a couple of times, but we didnīt
exchange as much as a yes or no. I saw Clare looking at us sometimes. Worried.
And with good reason, too, I suppose, if Iīll continue to shower my steam off
over her... Well, not now.
For I
figured that Guy and I had to re-establish some kind of a working relationship.
I mean: itīs great when he ignores me, for it saves me from a lot of arguing,
but when weīre only two, we have to have some kind of communication to be able
to do our work properly. And since Iīve always considered a deserved apology a
good way of making up a fight, I decided that I should apologize to him for a)
my getting carried away this morning, wanting to treat Kath with steroids
(lucky he caught me...), and b) the invadent manner in which I imposed upon him
with my diagnosis. If I had stayed calm then, he might have taken the patience
to hear me out, instead of going on about being right and my unwanted
interference. He was right in supposing that his drooling over Trish (not only
at that moment, but also the day before; like Jackie said: "When men see a
female, they forget about their responsibilities and turn into boys") was
the thing that actually triggered my anger, no matter how prepostrous his ideas
were on the reasons for my anger. But if I had managed to stay calm then, it
might have saved us a lot of arguing and a lot of problems. So I figured I had
something to apologize for. And I hoped heīd get the hint and make some apologies,
too, if none other for that hit or miss treatment method he applied. That
should get us back on speaking terms again, I figured.
It did.
But not exactly the way I had in mind... Read on and shudder...
The next
time I heard him coming into the base (it was already late in the afternoon,
but I preferred to speak with him there, rather than in the ever busy
hospital), I went straight to him. He was in the store-room, filling up his
medical bag. I looked around the door, and when he saw me, I went to stand in
the doorway.
"You
were right with your diagnosis," I started. But making and remembering
speeches has never been my forte. Especially when someone is looking at me so
arrogantly... So I looked down, trying to find the words to continue. But he was
too quick for me, and enquired: "Is that all you are going to say to
me?"
Instantly
annoyed with his attitude again, I snapped back: "Is that all you
have to say to me?"
There was
that stupid, smirking smile again, and he said almost jubilant: "Like: īI
told you soī?"
I sighed.
"Exactly." We were back on the old track again...
We
continued talking (at least something was achieved...) about how his smiles and
smirks and never being serious got on my nerves sometimes. But he only
responded with an overly exaggerated īIīm sorryī. So exaggerated that I can
hardly believe he meant one syllable of it. His fallacy was already getting me
worked up again, and I had hardly even had a chance to say what I wanted to
say, and to apologize!
But then,
all of a sudden, an insight struck me... Like a lightning flash, I got an idea
that might turn Guy into a real, human doctor, to the benefit of his patients
as well as his colleagues. It was as if I instinctively knew what to do: I
walked slowly towards him, gazing up in his eyes, as to hypnotize him. "I
know what youīre like," I said with my īmysteriousī deep voice. "You
pretend not to care about anything, but deep down inside you do."
Good
thing I was in a dramaclub when I was in high school, for the momentary dumbfounded
expression on his face nearly made me burst out laughing! Still, he managed to
stick with his flirtatious habits, and asked if that was meant as a compliment
or as an insult. But I didnīt want to give him the chance of diverting my plans
again, so I continued (still in my deepest voice; he must be thinking Iīm some
kind of a medium now!): "My professor always said that you canīt learn
to be a good doctor. It is a gift. And you have that gift."
At that
moment I realized that I had to put some action into this performance. Action
that would make him remember the words as well. I had to decide
instantly of course, and I decided Iīd give him a kiss. (Something I donīt
think heīd really expect from the professional Dr. Heller he knows.) So I took
his face in my hands, and kissed him full on the mouth. His face was worth a
picture when I let go of him! Astonished, dumbfounded, stunned, shocked...!
And then
I put in the clue: "Such a pity about the wrapping paper..."
I gave
him a last, sturdy look and walked out of the room. Biting my lip as soon as I
turned away from him, for I felt a fit of laughter coming on. But I managed to
save it till I was outside, where I hurried around the corner of the base and
nearly cried for laughing against the wall. Oh, that face... hilarious! I still
canīt help laughing when I bring it back to my mind! I nearly laughed my head
off!
He didnīt
come after me, and I must say he was rather quiet and even a little shy
tonight. Guy and shy, thatīs a new combination! Well, letīs hope this will work
out for the best. That it may become one little step of the many heīll have to
take to become a normal, human doctor. For what I said is true: he sure does
have the doctoring gift. There is just so much wrapping paper in the way that
it doesnīt come out. I suppose he could even be a nice guy if heīd let go of
that arrogant attitude and that eternal interest in ladies. But allright,
thatīs for the future. We canīt expect miracles overnight, can we? But I do
hope I have given him something to think about. Hopefully it works!
PS:
Perhaps I should try these tactics on David some time! Well, not the lecture of
course (not this one), but the acting part. It might be a successfull way of -
finally - stealing a kiss from him! And, if nothing else, to feel what itīs
like to kiss him myself! ☺ And who
knows what might come out of it... Maybe it would be a good way of telling him
that I love him!
Thu 8/2
Two more
arguments with Guy today. So far yesterdayīs drama hasnīt helped much, it
seemed. Well, they were not as fierce and as life-threatening as earlier this
week, but still... It makes you wonder why he argues about everything and has a
very hard time accepting that people can have other opinions than his. Who
knows, perhaps itīs just a bad habit...
Anyway,
it didnīt bother me all that much. Iīm in such a happy mood, that nothing can
disturb me for long. Johnno even asked me if I had won the lottery or
something; he thought me unusually happy!
No,
nothing of the kind. Iīve only made up my mind about what I want out of life.
And resolved that Iīm going to take charge of my life once more. It worked out
fine when I decided to leave Germany, so why not take the matter in hand myself
again? I donīt have to wait for David to declare his love for me; I can take
the first step just as well! Sure, it would be easier (for me) if he would, but
if he finds that just as "creepy" as I do, we might be doomed to
continue in this half-hearted īfriendship-or-maybe-something-moreī-relationship
for years to come. And to think that we might be so happy together as a real
couple instead!
So even
though the thought of having to tell him that I love him gives me the creeps,
my resolve that I really and honestly do want him, and if he doesnīt tell me
soon, I will tell him so... it simply lifts my spirits sky-high and
nothing can really disturb my good humour today!
Nevertheless,
Guy still owes me a week with no arguments. He got his day off, so Iīm going to
hold him to his side of the bargain as well! And only these past few days have
been so brimfull with arguments, that it wonīt possibly do as the redemption of
that promise. So Iīve come up with a plan!
Iīve got
the day off tomorrow, and since Iīm going to look for David, Guy wonīt have
much chance to bother me anyway. So Iīm going to remind him on Saturday - and
then I can work together with him for an entire week, and Iīm going to hold
him to his promise! No arguments! ☺ Sure, I absolutely prefer working with David
(though working with a no-arguing Guy might shed some light upon other
qualities he may have hidden somewhere), but by organizing the schedule like
this, Iīll be able to spare David another week from Guy. For I had seen at next
weekīs schedule that David and Guy were rostered together several times. I
wonder why Geoff does that; he knows as well as I do that they donīt get along
at all. Perhaps in the hope theyīll learn to appreciate one another?
Anyway, I
think it wiser to keep Guy out of Davidīs way a little longer. So Iīve
exchanged his and my shifts whenever he was scheduled to work together with
Guy. And since Guy will not be allowed to argue with me next week, it should be
bearable for me to stand it out with him for another week. ☺
But first
Iīm going to look for David tomorrow. Not that I have the faintest idea where
to go (okay, somewhere with water), but you never know: perhaps Iīll just
stumble across him somewhere. So that I can tell him those magic words:
ICH LIEBE
DICH!
(I wonder
if heīd understand if I said that in German...)
Fri 9/2
A day
full of happy dreams and expectations; thatīs what this is. Driving around,
looking for David everywhere thereīs a stream or a lake marked on the map.
Well, not everywhere: several are completely dried up after this long hot
summer. Still, some of those sites are really beautiful. But no sign from David
so far. Not that I had expected him to stay close to town, but I couldnīt very
well neglect those options, could I?
But Iīve
got the entire afternoon ahead, so no need for despair yet. No need for despair
at all, for if I donīt find him, Iīll just have a good day on my own and
probably end up at the Windoona fair tonight anyway. Then all I have to do is
saving my message for two more days: till he returns to the Crossing on Sunday.
Perhaps that may be better after all, since I still havenīt figured out how Iīm
going to tell him. Or maybe Iīm complicating things. Maybe a simple īI love
youī would do just fine? I havenīt decided yet...
The
Outback is really beautiful. The wide open spaces, the vastitude of it all, the
colours... Even now, at the end of the dry season, it has its charm. A wild,
rough paradise. No Garden of Eden, but a paradise where everything has to
struggle to survive. Itīs a beauty you sort of have to learn to appreciate.
When I first came here, I thought the landscape terribly boring. (Letīs face
it, even though I couldnīt bring myself to write it that clearly in my diary at
the time. ☺) Shrub
instead of majestic woods, and bare red hills instead of mighty snow-covered
mountains, with their pastures and flowers further down. But now I can see the
beauty of a bleached tree standing out against the hardblue sky and the reddish
yellow landscape. Or the morning-mist turning the entire world mysteriously
still. Yes, I think Iīm really beginning to love it. Itīs good to be here.
David has
told me a while back that after the first rain of the season (usually in
March/April) all the seeds instantly germinate, turning the bare Outback plains
into an ocean of wild flowers. Iīd love to see that miracle happen... But first
weīve got the rest of the summer to endure. I actually feel sorry for
everything living out here. Both the animals and the plants and trees.
Everything is so dry, so extremely dry. And theyīd have to wait perhaps another
two months for the first rain?! Back in Germany we feed the birds and the deer
during the winter. Perhaps here we ought to give them both water and food
during the summer. I might ask Clare about that; she really seems the kind of
person who would do such a thing.
I started
at 6.30 this morning. Itīs nearly noon now, and the shadows are very short.
Itīs fairly hot, though in the shadow, or driving in the car with the windows
open, the temperature is bearable, even pleasant. It just amazes me to think
that people are skiing back home in Bavaria right now. (Okay, maybe not right
now, at 10 p.m.) Sometimes I can really long for snow and temperatures below
zero. But now that Iīve got used to the temperatures here, who knows: perhaps
Iīd feel like freezing to death if I went there right now.
Well, not
today. Today weīre having a great time cruising the Outback, with the happy but
rather uncertain prospect of finding David and telling him how much I love him.
I brought my tape with the German Volksmusik-songs, and it really astonishes me
how often those songs talk about the same kind of happiness Iīm feeling. The
happiness that youīve made up your mind and want to share the rest of your life
with that one and only very special person. Most of the singers are men, so
they tend to sing about a lady, but that doesnīt matter. The idea is the same.
And the funny thing is that Iīve never thoroughly noticed before exactly what
they were singing about. But in the extraordinary happy mood Iīm in now, I find
that many of their texts are extremely appropriate for the situation. What to
think about this one:
|
Ich hätte dich sowieso geliebt |
I would have loved you anyway |
|
Weil es für mich kein Andrer gibt |
Since thereīs no other one for
me |
|
Und wennīs dir geht wie mir |
And if you feel the way I do |
|
Sag i bestimmt für immer ījaī zu dir |
Then Iīll definitely say īyesī
to you for ever |
Itīs
simply a perfect description of my feelings for David! If I had a poetic
stroke, I could have used the exact same words! (Perhaps I can even find some
inspiration in these lyrics. Though translated to English, they donīt sound all
that well, I think. Rhyme and rhythm get messed up. And I doubt whether Davidīs
German is sufficient to understand the original version.)
Or what
about this one:
|
īIch liebe dichī; die zärtlichste Worte der
Welt |
īI love youī; the most
enchanting words in the world |
|
Ich liebe dich. Zu lange hast du mir
gefehlt |
I love you. Too long Iīve done
without you |
|
Jede Nacht ohne dich lieg ich wach, such
deine Hand |
Every night without you I lie
awake searching for your hand |
|
Jeder Tag ohne dich bringt mich fast um den Verstand |
Every day without you drives me
nearly crazy |
Okay, I
havenīt come so far yet that Iīm searching for his hand at night. (Though I
have been daydreaming about spending the night together in a more romantic way
than in the confined conditions of the Nomad, or in those creepy shearerīs
quarters at Cable Hill.) But the rest...? Ich liebe dich / I love you. The most
enchanting words in the world. And when being said for the first time, causing (hopefully)
a wave of relief and happiness after the tense moments in which one has to
bring oneself to actually utter those words. Through a purgatory of uncertainty
into the heaven of mutual love and happiness. Well, thatīs what I hope will
happen. Either today or Sunday. I donīt dare to think of the possibility that
he might not return my feelings. But - weird as it may be - Iīm sort of
convinced that thatīs not going to be a problem. From what Iīve seen and
experienced from him, somehow Iīm convinced that he loves me, too. And that he
just hasnīt found the courage yet to tell me. Or perhaps heīs not certain about
my feelings. Anyway, hopefully this will be remedied no later than Sunday. And
Iīll just have to keep praying that I wonīt chicken out. (Or that he takes the
words right out of my mouth. That would sure be the easiest way; at least for
me.)
But I
shouldnīt have to chicken out, for:
|
Dürfen darf man alles |
Permitted may just be about
everything |
|
Man muß sich nur was trauen |
All it takes is some confidence |
|
Dann darf man auch a bisserl mehr |
Then one can be allowed a
little more |
|
Als sich in die Augen schauen! |
Than just looking into each
otherīs eyes |
And
thatīs just what I want: a little more than just looking in his eyes. (And feel
like a jellyfish, with knees that are about to give way under me, a sinking
feeling in my stomach and my heart galloping through my chest. It sounds awful
from a medical point of view, but as far as I know, being in love is considered
one of the more harmless physical conditions.) So Iīll just have to brave it. A
few nerve-wrecking moments in order to obtain a lifetime of happiness. Iīll
just have to find the confidence and courage to dare and tell him, but no one
can stop me in doing so, for dürfen darf man alles! Especially in this kind of
matters of the heart! Oh, I wish I could get it over and done with, so that Iīd
really know for sure!
And then
there is this song that got me contemplating why I love David so much:
|
Und das Gefühl das wird mich immer für dich
geben: |
And thatīs a feeling I will
always have for you: |
|
Das ist geborgen sein das leise glücklich
macht |
Itīs being īgeborgenī that
makes quietly happy |
Geborgenheit.
I canīt really think of an appropriate English synonym right now; one that
covers its entire content. A feeling of Geborgenheit, thatīs one major part of
my love for David. I feel "geborgen" with him. At home. At ease.
Safe. A complete trust in him. Thatīs what makes David so special to me: this
feeling of Geborgenheit he has given me from the very first day I met him. As
long as Iīd be with him, thereīs nothing to worry about, for heīll take care of
me and make sure I wonīt get to any harm. A wonderful feeling. And one I had
never imagined to value after my independent life back in Germany. But itīs
just the best feeling to find that there is this very dear person who really
cares about you. Now that Iīve experienced it, I think Iīd be miserable
without. I can hardly imagine how I managed to survive in Germany without David
at my side!
And itīs
not just receiving. Lately we sort of swapped roles, and I got the chance to
take care of him for a change. Itīs bad that it was necessary - Iīd much rather
see the thoughtful and relaxed David from before - but it gave me the chance to
be there for him. To give him a feeling of "Geborgenheit" now that
his world had suddenly turned into stress. Well, at least I hope I did. Maybe I
should dance den Anti-Sorgen Walzer (the Anti-Worry Waltz) with him...
Geborgenheit.
A major part of love, I think. But love has so many aspects. Of course there is
the overwhelming way he attracts me. A delightful, though still very confusing
feeling. Never before have I been so bewitched by a man. He just has to look at
me, and... oh well, you know. Jelly-pudding, a fiery blush, rubber knees etc.
Just thinking about his soft hands tenderly touching me makes me tremble with
desire. To feel his body against mine. Dreams dreams dreams, hey? Laß mei Herz
a bisserl träumen... (Let my heart dream a little)
Well, so
many more dreams... But I think Iīd better get going. (I was having a little
picnic for lunch on the shore of a tiny creek.) Continue the search, enjoying
the landscape and singing along with all those suddenly wonderful songs. And if
I do find him... letīs hope this turns out to be a case of "and they lived
happily ever after..."!
Fri 9/2, later
Well, I
havenīt found David. So I ended up at the Windoona fair. It was nice. Pretty
busy. Just like the rodeo at the Crossing. But still, even though I met quite a
lot of acquaintances (both from the Crossing and from the hinterland) it felt
rather lonely. I guess Iīve forgotten how to amuse myself in a crowd, for every
now and then I couldnīt help wishing that David was there with me. I really
missed him. Whenever there is an occasion like this at the Crossing, weīd
always go there together. Enjoying ourselves, chatting, laughing, having a
drink or two, something to eat... Everything together. Yes, I really missed
him. But perhaps there was the slight disappointment of the day - not having
found him, though I had known from the start it would be a miracle if I would
have found him - that influenced my mood a little, too.
Still, I
couldnīt resist dreaming a little: how it would be to saunter there along the
stalls with our arms around each other... With everyone noticing that we
werenīt just plain friends; we were a couple in love!
Two more
days and this might be true! Though I still donīt know how to break the message
to him. Itīs sending cold shivers down my spine thinking about it. I wonder if
everyone has those feelings when on the brink of declaring their love.
Still:
|
Jetzt ist es mir sonneklar |
But itīs crystal-clear to me
now |
|
Es ist ganz leicht für mich: |
Itīs pretty obvious to me: |
|
Dann brauch i nur dich! |
The only thing I need is you! |
And
thatīs just the way it is. I need David with me. Two more days...
Sat 10/2
There,
the trap is set. Guy tried to pretend that he didnīt recall anything about
promising not to argue with me for a week, but he needs a stupider person to
fall for that trick. So tiresome, these guys, and yet they are convinced they
are the most original creatures in the universe. But Iīm going to hold him to his
promise this time, to spare myself (and hopefully David, too) his arguing for a
whole week.
Heīll
have plenty of time to figure out how that can be done this weekend, for we
donīt have much to do with each other: Jackie and he were away on one of the rare
Saturday-clinics, and I was in charge of the base and the hospital today. And
tomorrow Iīll have the day off. Again. A nice side-effect of us swapping
shifts. Geoff was to return from Sydney tonight, and David will be back
tomorrow. And then hopefully life will get back to normal.
The two
English girls have decided to split up by the way. It appeared Kath prefered to
return home, as she had actually sort of been dragged along on this trip by her
friend. She had recovered enough today to take the plane back home. And Trish
will continue her adventure together with Toshi, who - after some obstinate
courting of Jackie - has decided to continue his trip through Australia on his
motorbike today. I just hope they wonīt run into any more outhouses...
Sat 10/2, evening
I got
Clare to cover the radio for me for an hour, so I could go to Brett and Fionaīs
wedding. She said she didnīt mind; she hardly knows them. But to me theyīre
still kind of special: my first patients.
It
appears by the way that father Jacko had the regular church-service yesterday.
Iīm sorry I missed it.
Anyway,
the church was packed this afternoon. Itīs the same everywhere: people love to
go to a wedding. And even though both Brett and Fiona are from around here, I
doubt very much whether all those people would classify as īfriends and
relativesī. ☺
It was
really nice to see them all dressed up by the way. Brett looked very
distinguished and very handsome in his black suit. And Fiona, whom I apart
from the ball only knew in sturdy blouses and faded jeans, looked like a
fairy from a fairy-tale. She was really beautiful. And Jock... Well, I had
never seen anyone beaming literally from ear to ear, but he did! It was good to
see. Somehow it hid his hollow cheeks and his emaciated body. For the past few
months he looked worse for every time I saw him, but today was definitely an
exception. Iīm happy for him. I think with Brett marrying a girl he, too, has
known for several years he finds it easier to see that Brett is really grown
up. Grown up and ready to take on responsibility, to take over the property,
together with a young lady who knows it inside out. I know that makes their
marriage sound like a bloody business arrangement, but thatīs not what it is.
If that were the case, Jock wouldnīt be beaming so much. Then heīd still be
worrying about Brett. And hey, you only needed to see those two together last
Christmas. And today. As far as I can tell (as an outsider), their relationship
is based on both love and friendship. Iīve heard that such combinations are
doomed to failure: that nothing would kill love as quick as friendship does.
But personally I donīt believe that. You canīt spend your entire life in bed.
And the rest of the time Iīd rather have someone around with whom I get along
well, than someone Iīd never choose as a friend. For there are situations in
life when having a friend is worth far more than having a lover. And life does
exist of more than just sex, doesnīt it?
No, Iīm
glad I have David. (Eh... hopefully ☺) Weīre both friends and lovers. Supporting
each other when necessary, able to simply have a good time together, and then,
out of nowhere, there is that unmistakable physical attraction again. Yeah, Iīd
say we have it all. ☺
I
couldnīt help dreaming a little about it during mass either. (Not that I tried
very hard not to...) For who knows: perhaps the next time people would gather
here en masse for a wedding it would be ours! And for such a wedding probably
the whole district would turn up. Wouldnīt fit in this little church... And
David, dashingly good-looking in that penguin-suit he was wearing at the
bachelorīs ball. Waiting for me at the altar. Martin leading me down the aisle,
and of course weīd have to have at least Lena and Marisa as bridesmaids. Iīm
sure they would kill me if they could not! And who knows, we might be able to
convince the boys to act as pages, too. It sure would be fun with Michael; a
three-year-old is always fun!
And then
those marital vows. To love, honour and cherish, in good times and in bad, in
sickness and in health, till death us part... How could I not?
Mum told
me once that she and Dad used to renew their vows on every anniversary. I think
Iīd like to follow that example. After all, life isnīt always easy, and itīs
good to remind yourself that you promised to "love, honour and
cherish" your husband even in bad times. I mean, with so many marriages
ending in divorce nowadays, it canīt hurt to remind yourself of that promise
you once made.
I wonder
what itīs like to actually stand there. Brett seemed rather nervous; Fiona
almost serene. Calm and still happy. Very happy. It must be a strange
experience: you go in there practically as a free girl, and when you leave the
building, youīve practically given your life to a man! United with him for all
the days, the years to come!
Still,
seen the fact that so many people do it, it must be worth it.
Grin. As
if Iīd doubt that... I can hardly wait. Oh....... (sigh) Hopefully tomorrow.
Sun 11/2
Can
someone please tell me how many hours there are in this particular Sunday? It
seems thereīs already been some sixhundred, and still itīs only 1.30 p.m.!
Waiting... the worst thing in life. Waiting, and not having the faintest idea
about what time of day heīll be back. He has to start work at 8 a.m. tomorrow
morning, so I donīt suppose heīll postpone his return until halfway into the
night... So... say in the next 10 and a half hours Iīm going to have to tell
him that I love him. And already now Iīm a bundle of nerves. Canīt find
anything to do. Canīt concentrate on anything. Iīve been strawling around town
a bit, but I canīt bring myself to even go down to the creek, afraid that Iīll
miss his coming home. And I want to go and see him as soon as possible!
David,
please... Donīt make me suffer all day! Come back soon now!
What if I
chicken out after all? I can imagine why he hasnīt told me yet. Itīs not just
enough to love someone; you need an enormous amount of courage to go with it:
to face that person and tell him/her, too. I hope my courage will be
sufficient to keep my nerves under control...
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To
the next chapter: 171-173
To
the previous chapter: 168-169 (not available yet)
To
the cast and credits: credits
Why
this diary: preface
♦
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Note: The songs Magda
refers to are:
- Ich hättī dich sowieso
geküsst (author unknown, sung by Patrick Lindner, exact year unknown)
- Ich liebe dich (author
and singer unknown, probably from the late 80īs)
- Dürfen darf ma alles
(Frankfurter/Holder, sung by Patrick Lindner, 1991)
- Ein kleines Feuer (author
unknown, sung by Patrick Lindner, exact year unknown)
- Der Anti-Sorgen Walzer
(Frankfurter/Holder, sung by Patrick Lindner, 1991)
- Laß mei Herz a bisserl
träumen (Frankfurter/Holder, sung by Patrick Lindner, 1991)
- Manchmal braucht man was,
an dess ma glaubīn kann (Frankfurter/Holder, sung by Patrick Lindner, 1990)
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